Parents

Involving the Parents to Foster a Positive Attitude

A letter to parents at the beginning of each season is a good first step in any
parent-coaching relationship, whether it is the first year that you are coaching or
the 10th. Here are some themes that you as a coach can inform your parents of,
enlisting them in a strategy of positive coaching.

Athletes need a consistent message from coach and parents. These three
themes, if taken to heart by each of us, have the power to; "transform youth
sports so that sports can transform youth."

The three themes, explained in detail below, are:

1. Act Like a Winner;
2. Filling the Emotional Tank; and
3. Honoring the Game.

Act Like a Winner

In the professional sports entertainment business, there is only one goal: to have
the most points at the end of a contest. In youth sports, however, there is a
second and more important goal: to produce young people who will be
winners in life.

To become winners in life, our athletes must act like winners. Here's what
winners do:

• They make maximum effort;
• They continue to learn and improve; and
• They refuse to let mistakes (or fear of making mistakes) sidetrack them.

This is called "climbing the Tree of Mastery." The Tree of Mastery is an ELM
tree, which stands for Effort, Learning, and Mistakes.

Research has shown that people who make maximum effort, who continue to
learn and improve, and who refuse to let mistakes (or fear of mistakes) sidetrack
them, ultimately are successful. That's why we say that the fruit of the Tree of
Mastery is a Winner!

There is an added benefit. Athletes who are coached with a Mastery orientation
tend to have increased self-confidence and reduced anxiety. And when athletes
feel less anxiety, they are more likely to have fun playing their sport!

We want each of our athletes to be a winner in life and the first step is for them to
begin to act like a winner. The coach wants:

• Each athlete to act like a winner;
• To coach for mastery and help each athlete act like a winner; and
• To encourage your child and the rest of the team to act like a winner.

Here's how the parents can help:

1. Tell your children that you want them to be winners in life and the three things
   that winners do ( Remember ELM);
2. Tell your children you appreciate it when they and their teammates try hard
   even if they lose the contest;
3. Don't ask "Did you win?" Instead, ask them if they acted like a winner: "Did
   you try as hard as you could?" and "Are you learning and improving?" and
   "When you made a mistake did you bounce back?" You could also ask them
   if they had fun! and
4. Recognize that acting like a winner is hard work. Support your children in this
   hard work. Don't criticize their play. Instead point out situations in which you
   noticed them trying hard. Tell them when you notice that they are improving
   regardless of the outcome of a particular contest.

Filling the Emotional Tank

The coach and the parents must recognize that every person has an "emotional
tank" that fills up and drains. An athlete with a low emotional tank is irritable, less
coachable, and unable to deal well with adversity. An athlete whose tank is filled
is cheerful, more coachable, and better able to deal with adversity.

Research has also shown that a "plus/minus ratio" of 5:1 or better is ideal for
children's learning. When the ratio of praise to criticism drops below 5:1,
children become discouraged (their tanks become drained).

When fans are cheering for a team, those athletes experience their tanks filling
up. We want to coach in a way that will fill the tanks of our players so they can
play their best at all times. And, we want our athletes to learn to fill each other's
tanks.

Here's how the parents can help:

• Fill up your child's emotional tank. Encourage them regardless of what
happens in the game. Try not to give them a lot of advice (which after a tough game can seem like criticism, which drains a person's tank). Remember, it's
difficult to do well with a low tank. When they make a mistake, you might say
something like "Don't worry. It's okay. Let's get the next one. You can do it."
You may first want to acknowledge your child's feeling of disappointment, for
example, "I can imagine you must be disappointed to have lost";

• To give advice your child can hear, try using the "3-Pluses-and-a-Wish"
technique. Before you give advice, find three things about your child's
performance that you appreciated. Then phrase the advice as a wish as in
"You really tried hard in the game today (Plus #1). I also saw you filling your
teammate's emotional tank after he made a mistake (Plus #2). And that play
you made towards the end of the game was very nice (Plus #3). One thing I
wish is that you wouldn't get down on yourself when you make a mistake." If
you can't come up with three pluses, don't say the wish because then it may
drain your child's emotional tank rather than fill it; and

• Remember the 5:1 ratio. Try to praise your child about 5 times for every time you criticize him or her. If you do, your child will be able to hear your criticism without becoming defensive.

Honoring the Game

Sportsmanship seems like an out-of-date concept today when professional
athletes and coaches act in ways we would not want our children to imitate.

Coaches need to reverse this trend and require the parents’ assistance to do so
The concept of "Honoring the Game" represents the behavior we want to model.

Honoring the Game is getting to the ROOT of the matter, where ROOT stands for
respect for the:

• Rules;
• Opponents;
• Officials; and
• Tradition of the game.

1. Rules: Coaches and athletes must not try to get away with illegal behavior
when officials are not looking. Coaches must teach athletes to respect the
rules, even when it is possible to cheat without getting caught. I want our
team to play within the spirit of the rules and refrain from "bending" them
when it dishonors the game.

2. Opponents: Without opponents, competitive sports make no sense. A worthy
opponent calls out the best in us. We must respect opponents and remember
they are members of our community. We want to try our hardest to win but
not at the expense of demeaning or demonizing our opponents. The coaches must intend to show respect for their fellow coaches and teams and teach it to
their athletes.

3. Officials: Officials have been selected and trained to enforce rules to keep
sports from degenerating into chaos. Officials are not perfect (just like
coaches, athletes and parents!) and sometimes make mistakes. However,
there is no excuse for treating officials with disrespect when they make errors.
We want our players and their parents to show respect for officials even when
they disagree with the call.

4. Tradition: The game our children play has a great tradition. As a coach you
want to share that tradition with your athletes. You want your team to play the
game in such a way that all of us can be proud of them.

Here's how the parents can help:

• Let your child know that you want him or her to honor the game. Discuss the meaning of each element of ROOT with your child. This idea may be difficult for younger children to understand so you may have to adapt the idea to the age and understanding of your child.

• Be a good role model. Honor the game when you attend your child's games. Cheer our team and the opposing team when good plays are made. If, in your opinion, an officiating mistake is made, refrain from yelling at the official. Use this as an opportunity to think about how difficult it is to officiate a game perfectly.

Keys to peak parental performance

As a club, we are always seeking ways to rein in parental enthusiasm without dampening it. The following letter printed in Soccer America from The Stone Mountain (GA) Youth Soccer Association details a clear and concise set of standards addressing delicate balance.

Let the coaches coach. This includes goal-setting and psyching up your child for practice and post game critiques. Having more than one "coach" confuses children.
Do not bribe or offer incentives. Leave motivation to the coach. Offering money for scoring goals, for example, distracts your child from concentrating properly in practices and games.

Support your child unconditionally. Do not withdraw love when your child performs poorly.
Support all players on the team. Your child's teammates are not the enemy. When they are playing better than your child, he/she has a wonderful opportunity to learn.
Support the program. Get involved by volunteering, helping with fund raisers, car pooling, or however else you can.

Encourage your child to talk with the coaches. "Talking responsibility"--whether about playing difficulties or missing an upcoming match--is a big part of soccer.
Understand and display appropriate game behavior. When you cheer appropriately, you help your child focus on the part of the game he can control (positioning, decision-making, skills, etc.) and are a good role model. If your child begins focusing on elements he/she can't control (field conditions, the referee, the weather, etc.), your child will not play up to his/her ability.

Monitor your child at home. Be sure your child is eating and sleeping properly.
Help your child keep priorities straight. A youngster needs help balancing schoolwork, friendships, and other commitments besides soccer. But having made a commitment to soccer, your child also needs help fulfilling their obligation to their team.
Pass the reality test. If your child's team loses but plays their best, help him/her see this as a "win." Remind them to focus on the process, not the end result. Fun and satisfaction should come from "striving to win." Conversely, do not let your child be satisfied with "winning" if it comes from inadequate preparation and performance.

Keep soccer in its proper perspective. The game should not be larger than your life. If your child's performance produces strong emotions in you, suppress them. Keep your goals and needs separate from your child's. Remember that your relationship with your child will continue long after his/her competitive soccer days end.

—Source, “Youth Soccer Letter,” Soccer America

Reacting to your child's performance by Richard K. Stratton

As part of your child's sports environment, you are expected to be a source of feedback about their performance. You need to be sensitive to this role. When your son or daughter first started participating in this sport, you probably discussed with them some of your expectations about their performances.

Depending on how much you know about the sport, it might have been something as simple as "We just expect you to try hard and do your best" or it may have been much more specific and detailed.

Now that your child is performing it is important that your reactions to their performances are built around the framework of the previously discussed set of expectations. Be prepared to react to both good and poor performances. As was discussed in the feature article in this issue, feedback is used for three purposes: error correction, motivation, and reinforcement. You should be especially aware of opportunities to provide motivation and/or reinforcement.

Team environments often tend to utilize feedback only for error identification and error correction purposes, sometimes causing an athlete to develop feelings of frustration or a feeling that they are not doing anything right. This focus on mistakes/errors in sports is a universal problem. I even heard a television sports commentator recently lament the negative tone of most sportscasts and the frequent failure to comment on positive plays when they occur.

We must convince ourselves and our children that mistakes are a natural part of sports, and most activities in life, for that matter. While it is true that athletes should strive to reduce the mistakes they make, they will never totally eliminate them. Perfection rarely occurs in sports. Even the very best athletes, the professional athletes and Olympic level athletes make mistakes. Consider how rare the "Perfect Game" is in baseball. For that matter, consider how rare an error-free game is. In one of the recent major league baseball all-star games, the best players in baseball made 5 errors!

We certainly should never expect children in youth sports to play without making mistakes. It is important that they understand this and set realistic performance expectations for themselves. Accentuate the positive!

Article contributed by Coaching Youth Sports, an online newsletter presenting information about learning and performing sport skills.

What Parents Can Expect From Travel Coaches

Travel team coaches are expected to meet high standards for technical competence, knowledge of soccer rules and tactics, ability to work effectively and positively with travel team players, and consistently demonstrate the ability to interact effectively and positively with travel team parents, other coaches, referees and club and league administrators. Travel team coaches are responsible for the selection of travel team members, for team training and development, for all on-field decisions, and for the overall conduct of the team on and off the soccer field. The travel team coach, supported by the Team Manager, is the official representative of United Soccer in dealing with players, parents, league officials and the public. United Soccer is very proud of its travel team coaches. The Directors approve all travel team coaches after a careful examination of the coach's credentials.

Coaching a travel team is a gratifying and wonderful, but also a demanding experience and, at times, terribly frustrating experience. A successful travel soccer coach must be: a positive role model; an effective trainer and teacher of fundamental soccer skills; an effective soccer tactician; able to motivate and relate to young people; an effective communicator with parents, referees, league officials and United Soccer officials; and a good organizer. The coach has the responsibility of balancing the needs of the team with individual player's needs and the need for success on the field with the greater need to develop players.

Experienced travel coaches try to make sure that their players are having fun. Even older travel team players want to have fun at practices, games and other team events. If players are not having fun, the chances are good that they won't be players for very long.

Coaches and Players

A travel team coach must also make numerous potentially unpopular decisions, including playing team members in positions they, or their parents, do not enjoy or adjusting playing times in ways that frequently do not provide for equal playing time .

From time to time, coaches may have to drop a player (although, as a practical matter, this is almost always confined to the spring as the roster is prepared for the upcoming season.) There are lots of reasons why it becomes necessary to cut a player and the discretion belongs entirely to the coach. Experienced travel coaches know, however, that cutting a young person can be one of the most difficult things a young person has to deal with. Not surprisingly, parents can become very emotionally involved. The coach should try to give the child (and if a younger child, the parents) lots of notice that the child is at risk of not making next year's squad. At the same time, the coach should identify those aspects of the player's game which need to be improved in order for the child to stay on the squad. When faced with a cut, the coach will often try to talk the parents into moving the child to another team. Experience shows that if the parents and child opt to move the player from the team, the emotional hurt and impact is minimized. Also, most coaches believe that it is their responsibility to work with the player and the parents to try to find the player another, more suitable team.

Experienced travel coaches try to keep their rosters small, especially when coaching younger aged teams. The players are training hard and want to play. Their parents certainly want them to play. If a team is carrying 17 or 18 players on its roster (or 12 to 14 on a small-sided roster), there is simply no way that the team will be able to provide adequate playing time for every player. Smaller rosters assume that all players will be at the practices, matches and especially tournaments.

Experienced travel coaches know that it is important to try to stay calm and mostly quiet during games (of course, some directing and encouraging is always appropriate, especially with younger aged teams). If the coach is always yelling instructions at the players they will be: less apt to learn to make their own decisions, less likely to learn to talk to one another on the field, and less likely to play with confidence.

Experienced travel coaches know that it is important, especially at the younger ages, for players to be able to shrug off a loss. If players take emotional baggage away from a loss because the coach has reacted badly to the loss, they are more likely to play poorly in future games and, more importantly, experience a good deal of stress and worry.

Coaches and Parents

Experienced travel coaches know that when dealing with parents, it is important to remember that their principal concern is for their son or daughter, rather than team considerations. While the travel team exists as a vehicle for the development of its players, one of the lessons that should be learned from team sports, like soccer, is that all members of the team are important. With younger teams, parents and players sometimes have "star" expectations from their developmental/recreation soccer experience that cannot be met. This can be a source of conflict.

Our most desired option is for each team to have an experienced, qualified coach. However, from time to time, the Club does utilize qualified parent coaches who have experience and expertise in the game. Many parent coaches "retire" and turn over the coaching reins to a professional/paid coach at the U-13 or U-14 level. It is about this time that many players can actually play at a higher level than many parent coaches. In the eyes of these coaches, it seems inconsistent to try to provide training to someone who can play better than they can play. There is not necessarily anything wrong with a parent coach retiring after two or three years. On the other hand, some parent coaches retire prematurely. Particularly when aided by professional trainers and/or experienced coaches, many parent coaches with expertise and experience in the game can continue to be effective coaches all the way through high school. Experienced coaches assess their performance after each season and, if appropriate, may decide to use trainers to supplement the program.

Most trainers are "known quantities" who have trained other club teams, ODP, local high schools, etc. Check their credentials and reputation.

• Many trainers are also coaches and/or have special relationships with particular clubs or coaching organizations. Some are over committed. You may or may not like the baggage which they carry.

• Trainers, like coaches, have areas of strength and experience. Some trainers are better with younger teams; some trainers have more experience and a better record with a particular gender; and some trainers are strong teachers of particular skill sets (such as fast footwork) but weaker in teaching other skill sets.

• The fees which trainers charge vary widely and, therefore, it is a good idea to check out the market before agreeing on a particular fee schedule.

• If your team uses a trainer, make clear what the trainer's role and responsibilities are. The trainer is an assistant to the coach, who should continue to make decisions as to what skills are worked on in practice; how the practice is run; how the games are run; and, perhaps most important, what are the team's priorities and tone and tenor.

Parents Involvement

Experienced travel soccer parents appreciate and understand the following do's and don'ts:

• Do attend games and cheer for the team, not only your child. This helps reinforce the team values soccer teaches. If all parents on a team become "fans" of their player's teammates, this strongly contributes to a positive environment;

• Do participate in the operation of the team. In a very real sense, it's not just United Soccer’s team, or the coach's team, or even your son or daughter's team—it's your team, too. There are lots of critical parent jobs, including Team Manager; Team Treasurer; Travel Coordinator for out-of-town tournaments; and Fundraising Coordinator, etc;

• Do expect the travel coach to recognize that your son or daughter is responsible for his/her participation on the team. The travel coach will communicate areas needing improvement first with your son or daughter;

• Do make your player available on time (including the designated warm-up period) for all regular season practices, games, scheduled tournaments and scrimmages. If at all possible, don't schedule family vacations or trips that conflict with your child's team responsibilities. If there is a problem in this regard, be sure to talk with the travel coach in advance;

• Do expect that the travel coach will be honest and candid with you about your child's status and, on older teams, that the travel coach will provide your child with periodic verbal evaluations of their play and an identification of areas that need improvement;

• Do expect openness and honesty from the travel coach. Do expect to get advance notice from the travel coach if your child is at risk of being dropped from the team and an opportunity to work on areas that need improvement;

• Do expect, particularly on younger teams, that the travel coach will be receptive to your child's participation in other sports -- but do not expect that the travel coach will acquiesce if your child misses practices, games or tournaments because your child is participating in another sport;

• On older teams, do expect the travel coach to facilitate your child's participation on high school soccer squads and on ODP squads;

• For high school age teams, do expect the team coach to help your child with college admissions, including the preparation of letters of recommendation;

• Do expect competence in teaching fundamental soccer skills;

• Do expect fair treatment of players and parents by the travel coach and never tolerate any type of abusive behavior, physical or otherwise, by a travel coach. Discuss such behavior with the travel coach and contact the Board of Directors;

• Do expect the travel coach to make player safety a priority and to insist that your child not play if the child has not warmed up and stretched, or is injured or sick; and

• Do expect that the travel coach will enjoy working with young people; create a fun environment for the players; and be enthusiastic about the squad.

On the other hand, as a travel soccer parent::

• Do not expect that your child will necessarily have equal playing time. It is, however, highly unusual for a healthy player to receive no playing time or very minimal playing time. If this happens, talk to the travel coach;

• Do not expect the coach to honor requests for playing time in a particular position;

• Do not expect your child to be guaranteed a permanent position on a travel team. Players must make the squad each spring and, in exceptional circumstances (set out in the league rules in which the team plays), a child may also be cut between the fall and spring seasons;

• Do not position players or yell out coaching-type instructions from the sidelines. During practice and matches the coach(es)/trainer(s) are there to give direction. Parental input is not appropriate, helpful to the player or appreciated by coaches;

• Do not yell at referees. You will be expelled from the sidelines and the travel coach will receive a yellow or red card if your behavior is sufficiently disruptive;

• Do not argue or fight with parents from opposing teams; remember your are a role model for your child and other team members;

• Do not talk to the coach about player issues during or immediately after a game or practice. Take time to cool down before discussing the issue with the coach. This provides time to evaluate concerns unemotionally;

• Do not make negative comments about other children on the team;

• Do not permit your child to try out for other soccer teams without letting the coach know that you are considering moving your child. Trying out for other teams is often part of the "travel soccer process." As such, this should not be a consideration on the part of the travel team of whether your child remains on or is selected for the team; and

• Do not wait until just before the start of a season to move your child to a new team. If you are going to move your child, notify the coach in June or December. It is very frustrating to a coach, and unfair to other team members, when a player leaves the team without giving sufficient notice to permit the team to accept or recruit a replacement.

A Word About Winning

Finally, please do not judge our travel team coaches by their won/loss record. Travel teams participate in extraordinarily competitive leagues. Moreover, the level of playing talent among travel teams varies substantially. A team may win frequently one season and lose frequently the very next season after promotion to a higher division. Does this mean that the coach was a success one season and a failure the next? Of course not.

Teams and travel team coaches that provide their players with opportunities for fun; stress good sportsmanship; help players to improve their self confidence; teach the skills associated with soccer and teach the lessons associated with team membership; and provide camaraderie and a positive social outlet are successful teams, regardless of their won/loss record. Judge our travel coaches by these enduring and important achievements and not by the win/loss record.

The information herein was obtained from the Spirit United Soccer Club website.