Involving the Parents to Foster a Positive Attitude

A letter to parents at the beginning of each season is a good first step in any parent-coaching relationship, whether it is the first year that you are coaching or the 10th. Here are some themes that you as a coach can inform your parents of, enlisting them in a strategy of positive coaching.

Athletes need a consistent message from coach and parents. These three themes, if taken to heart by each of us, have the power to; "transform youth sports so that sports can transform youth."

The three themes, explained in detail below, are:

Act Like a Winner;
Filling the Emotional Tank; and
Honoring the Game.

Act Like a Winner

In the professional sports entertainment business, there is only one goal: to have the most points at the end of a contest. In youth sports, however, there is a second and more important goal: to produce young people who will be winners in life.

To become winners in life, our athletes must act like winners. Here's what winners do:

They make maximum effort;
They continue to learn and improve; and
They refuse to let mistakes (or fear of making mistakes) sidetrack them.

This is called "climbing the Tree of Mastery." The Tree of Mastery is an ELM tree, which stands for Effort, Learning, and Mistakes.

Research has shown that people who make maximum effort, who continue to learn and improve, and who refuse to let mistakes (or fear of mistakes) sidetrack them, ultimately are successful. That's why we say that the fruit of the Tree of Mastery is a Winner!

There is an added benefit. Athletes who are coached with a Mastery orientation tend to have increased self-confidence and reduced anxiety. And when athletes feel less anxiety, they are more likely to have fun playing their sport!

We want each of our athletes to be a winner in life and the first step is for them to begin to act like a winner. The coach wants:

Each athlete to act like a winner;
To coach for mastery and help each athlete act like a winner; and
To encourage your child and the rest of the team to act like a winner.

Here's how the parents can help:

Tell your children that you want them to be winners in life and the three things that winners do ( Remember ELM);
Tell your children you appreciate it when they and their teammates try hard even if they lose the contest;
Don't ask "Did you win?" Instead, ask them if they acted like a winner: "Did you try as hard as you could?" and "Are you learning and improving?" and "When you made a mistake did you bounce back?" You could also ask them if they had fun! and
Recognize that acting like a winner is hard work. Support your children in this hard work. Don't criticize their play. Instead point out situations in which you noticed them trying hard. Tell them when you notice that they are improving regardless of the outcome of a particular contest.

Filling the Emotional Tank

The coach and the parents must recognize that every person has an "emotional tank" that fills up and drains. An athlete with a low emotional tank is irritable, less coachable, and unable to deal well with adversity. An athlete whose tank is filled is cheerful, more coachable, and better able to deal with adversity.

Research has also shown that a "plus/minus ratio" of 5:1 or better is ideal for children's learning. When the ratio of praise to criticism drops below 5:1, children become discouraged (their tanks become drained).

When fans are cheering for a team, those athletes experience their tanks filling up. We want to coach in a way that will fill the tanks of our players so they can play their best at all times. And, we want our athletes to learn to fill each other's tanks.

Here's how the parents can help:

Fill up your child's emotional tank. Encourage them regardless of what happens in the game. Try not to give them a lot of advice (which after a tough game can seem like criticism, which drains a person's tank). Remember, it's difficult to do well with a low tank. When they make a mistake, you might say something like "Don't worry. It's okay. Let's get the next one. You can do it." You may first want to acknowledge your child's feeling of disappointment, for example, "I can imagine you must be disappointed to have lost";
To give advice your child can hear, try using the "3-Pluses-and-a-Wish" technique. Before you give advice, find three things about your child's performance that you appreciated. Then phrase the advice as a wish as in "You really tried hard in the game today (Plus #1). I also saw you filling your teammate's emotional tank after he made a mistake (Plus #2). And that play you made towards the end of the game was very nice (Plus #3). One thing I wish is that you wouldn't get down on yourself when you make a mistake." If you can't come up with three pluses, don't say the wish because then it may drain your child's emotional tank rather than fill it; and
Remember the 5:1 ratio. Try to praise your child about 5 times for every time you criticize him or her. If you do, your child will be able to hear your criticism without becoming defensive.

Honoring the Game

Sportsmanship seems like an out-of-date concept today when professional athletes and coaches act in ways we would not want our children to imitate.

Coaches need to reverse this trend and require the parents’ assistance to do so The concept of "Honoring the Game" represents the behavior we want to model.

Honoring the Game is getting to the ROOT of the matter, where ROOT stands for respect for the:

Rules;
Opponents;
Officials; and
Tradition of the game.

Rules: Coaches and athletes must not try to get away with illegal behavior when officials are not looking. Coaches must teach athletes to respect the rules, even when it is possible to cheat without getting caught. I want our team to play within the spirit of the rules and refrain from "bending" them when it dishonors the game.
Opponents: Without opponents, competitive sports make no sense. A worthy opponent calls out the best in us. We must respect opponents and remember they are members of our community. We want to try our hardest to win but not at the expense of demeaning or demonizing our opponents. The coaches must intend to show respect for their fellow coaches and teams and teach it to their athletes.
Officials: Officials have been selected and trained to enforce rules to keep sports from degenerating into chaos. Officials are not perfect (just like coaches, athletes and parents!) and sometimes make mistakes. However, there is no excuse for treating officials with disrespect when they make errors. We want our players and their parents to show respect for officials even when they disagree with the call.
Tradition: The game our children play has a great tradition. As a coach you want to share that tradition with your athletes. You want your team to play the game in such a way that all of us can be proud of them.

Here's how the parents can help:

Let your child know that you want him or her to honor the game. Discuss the meaning of each element of ROOT with your child. This idea may be difficult for younger children to understand so you may have to adapt the idea to the age and understanding of your child.
Be a good role model. Honor the game when you attend your child's games. Cheer our team and the opposing team when good plays are made. If, in your opinion, an officiating mistake is made, refrain from yelling at the official. Use this as an opportunity to think about how difficult it is to officiate a game perfectly.